Updated: Nov 15
By McKenna Leavens
I have found myself repeating the same patterns, trying to love the same guy who hurt me, and putting my energy in places where it isn’t reciprocated.
Why? Why do I do this? Why do I go back to the same person who once hurt me, and why would I continue to do things when I know the outcome won’t ever turn out in my favor.
Well, I do it because I think I deserve it.
We are taught from a young age in movies and TV shows and sometimes even from our parents that in order to be successful and have the things we want, we have to go through pain and suffering. We don’t believe that we are entitled to happiness.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret… we are.
Happiness is not something that has to be earned but a right that we have in this life. For so long I tried to find happiness in the same places I lost it and the only place I wasn’t looking for it was in myself.
The moment we believe that we need another person to be complete is the moment we lose who we are. 2020 was full of pain, evil, and despair. My 2020 was full of heartbreak and trying to repeat cycles that I had outgrown.
It’s easier to go back to someone or something that is comfortable. It’s hard as hell to go out there and find new people or new things to invest our time in. Life isn’t about being happy or sad all of the time but it’s about what we make out of these emotions. Really sit back and ask yourself why you keep getting heartbroken, or why you keep getting shitty jobs, or even why your friends are continuously not there for you… and then change it.
Make something out of all the pain and hurt. My biggest lesson from 2020 is that I deserve to be happy and that there doesn’t have to be strings attached in order to be happy. I am a very forgiving person who loves others unconditionally, while these are great traits to have they also can be used as weapons against me.
I started to apologize for having expectations of people and even lowered my expectations just to feel loved. I lost myself, as I am sure a lot of you have this year. I stopped writing, I stopped meditating but worst of all I stopped being authentic. I so badly wanted someone, that I threw away things in my life that were working… the things that were making me happy.
The only person I have to blame is myself. I am sure a lot of you can understand what it’s like to lose yourself in another person. The truth of the matter is that 2020 showed me that I am still broken from the things in my past and to pretend that they don’t exist perpetuates the story more that “I am not worthy of being loved.”
From here on out, I vouch to own my trauma and my happiness because we all have a right to be happy – no strings attached. I hope you all find your right to be happy this year.